July 20th, 2017- I jokingly marked my calendar with an event titled, "Unprotected Sex".
(Let's just say, this post is not filtered to those who have not experienced marriage, baby, or adult things. Keep reading to experience the knitty gritty).
Anyways, the next day, I was thoroughly convinced I was pregnant. I PANICKED and took a pregnancy test a week later, naively thinking it would show up with a result. My boobs hurt, I started having food aversions/cravings, and I couldn't shake the feeling that we had conceived.
2 weeks after the 20th, I began having severe neck and back pain. I was taking some medication, and called my doctor to see if there were some weird side affects I didn't know about, and she said that I must have tweaked something(because of all of the active things I do....yeah).
I went 2 more weeks having horrible sleep, and I was constantly sore and I had crazy painful back cramps. I would do yoga every night before bed, stretch at random times during the day, take ibuprofen to hopefully help, and I would drink TONS of water. Nothing helped.
Then, day 28 came and went with no signs of shark week. I panicked again, but waited. Day 30 came, and it was niagra falls. I starting passing clots, and automatically assumed it was just a late and heavy period, and didn't think much of it.
The following week, I went in for a lady check up at a new OBGYN, and I decided to just ask her about it. I told her my symptoms, and she just looked at me. I assume she was trying to feel me out to see how to present her theory? I'm not sure. It was just an awkward stare that was half sad/half nervous.
She just came right out and said "It definitely sounds like a miscarriage, but let's check and see". She got all up in my lady bits, and told me that she was looking to see if my cervix was dilated. She said that sometimes, after a heavy period, that your cervix can be slightly dilated, so I shouldn't worry too much.
Then she was quiet...
She caught my gaze to just make sure I was ready for her to tell me that my hunch was correct.
I had a miscarriage.
She wrapped up my appointment, and I was totally fine. Then, as I started walking to my car I just lost it.
We weren't ready to have another baby, but then again, we weren't ready to have the first one and it worked out! Why did God have me get pregnant, and then why did my body reject it? Did I do something wrong? Would this baby have been part of this "plan reveal" that I always pray for? Will my body do the same thing when we are ready to have another baby? Is there something wrong with me??
After a few days of processing, I started telling people. The crazy part was, hearing how many women have gone through the same thing. You also realize, nobody talks about it! It's definitely not a conversation starter, and maybe it's just because you move on...but it's not something you really talk about.
You can't mentally prepare yourself for the concept of losing what could have been another child, or losing what could have been your first child. Would it have been a boy or a girl? What would they look like? Who would they be? What would they choose to become?
For now, I am still processing. This came at a time in my life where I am still questioning what God is teaching me and why. I have lost quite a few things over the past few weeks, and have had to truly find my value in what God thinks of me, vs basing it on other people's actions. This baby would've come into a world where mommy wasn't quite too sure what the hell was happening, and I think God knew that, and protected both of us. Would I change the outcome? I'm honestly not sure. Balancing the feelings of relief and sadness are complicated at best, but it's definitely a process that I have to go through for such a time as this.
To you, my sweet mama's who have experienced the same. Everything happens for a reason. God is a good God who gives good gifts to His kids, and He will cradle your heart during this moment. Just breathe. Tomorrow is new.
The last thing I will say is, I will meet you my sweet child one day, and I am so excited to see who you are. I will hold you, and I will love you, and I will see the precious face that eternally had life with Jesus.