The Day I Had A Miscarriage

July 20th, 2017- I jokingly marked my calendar with an event titled, "Unprotected Sex". 

(Let's just say, this post is not filtered to those who have not experienced marriage, baby, or adult things. Keep reading to experience the knitty gritty). 

Anyways, the next day, I was thoroughly convinced I was pregnant. I PANICKED and took a pregnancy test a week later, naively thinking it would show up with a result. My boobs hurt, I started having food aversions/cravings, and I couldn't shake the feeling that we had conceived. 

2 weeks after the 20th, I began having severe neck and back pain. I was taking some medication, and called my doctor to see if there were some weird side affects I didn't know about, and she said that I must have tweaked something(because of all of the active things I do....yeah). 

I went 2 more weeks having horrible sleep, and I was constantly sore and I had crazy painful back cramps. I would do yoga every night before bed, stretch at random times during the day, take ibuprofen to hopefully help, and I would drink TONS of water. Nothing helped. 

Then, day 28 came and went with no signs of shark week. I panicked again, but waited. Day 30 came, and it was niagra falls. I starting passing clots, and automatically assumed it was just a late and heavy period, and didn't think much of it. 

The following week, I went in for a lady check up at a new OBGYN, and I decided to just ask her about it. I told her my symptoms, and she just looked at me. I assume she was trying to feel me out to see how to present her theory? I'm not sure. It was just an awkward stare that was half sad/half nervous.

She just came right out and said "It definitely sounds like a miscarriage, but let's check and see". She got all up in my lady bits, and told me that she was looking to see if my cervix was dilated. She said that sometimes, after a heavy period, that your cervix can be slightly dilated, so I shouldn't worry too much. 

Then she was quiet...

She caught my gaze to just make sure I was ready for her to tell me that my hunch was correct. 

I had a miscarriage. 

She wrapped up my appointment, and I was totally fine. Then, as I started walking to my car I just lost it.  

We weren't ready to have another baby, but then again, we weren't ready to have the first one and it worked out! Why did God have me get pregnant, and then why did my body reject it? Did I do something wrong? Would this baby have been part of this "plan reveal" that I always pray for? Will my body do the same thing when we are ready to have another baby? Is there something wrong with me?? 

After a few days of processing, I started telling people. The crazy part was, hearing how many women have gone through the same thing. You also realize, nobody talks about it! It's definitely not a conversation starter, and maybe it's just because you move on...but it's not something you really talk about.

You can't mentally prepare yourself for the concept of losing what could have been another child, or losing what could have been your first child. Would it have been a boy or a girl? What would they look like? Who would they be? What would they choose to become? 

For now, I am still processing. This came at a time in my life where I am still questioning what God is teaching me and why. I have lost quite a few things over the past few weeks, and have had to truly find my value in what God thinks of me, vs basing it on other people's actions. This baby would've come into a world where mommy wasn't quite too sure what the hell was happening, and I think God knew that, and protected both of us. Would I change the outcome? I'm honestly not sure. Balancing the feelings of relief and sadness are complicated at best, but it's definitely a process that I have to go through for such a time as this. 

To you, my sweet mama's who have experienced the same. Everything happens for a reason. God is a good God who gives good gifts to His kids, and He will cradle your heart during this moment. Just breathe. Tomorrow is new. 

The last thing I will say is, I will meet you my sweet child one day, and I am so excited to see who you are. I will hold you, and I will love you, and I will see the precious face that eternally had life with Jesus. 

Vegan Gnocchi w/Home made Tomato Sauce

My house mate and I decided to make Gnocchi tonight...I really have no idea why, but it was BOMB and it was VEGAN and it was EASY. Just time consuming, so be warned. 

 

First, bake your potatoes. I just threw 5, washed potatoes on a baking sheet and tossed them in the oven for an hour at 425. They were perfect! 

After they're done, slit them open so the steam comes out and they cool off. Then, start boiling a pot of water to cook your gnocchi. 

Mash your peeled potatoes in a large bowl, and begin adding pinches of salt with a 1/4 cup of flour. I added 1 cup of flour total, and 4 pinches of salt. Keep adding flour until you have a wad of dough. It shouldn't be sticky, but have the texture of a ball of uncooked bread dough! 

Ball your dough, and cut it into 4 pieces. Start rolling the pieces into long tubes to cut your gnocchi from! 

When your water begins to boil, start tossing your pieces into the water. They will rise to the top when they're done! Just simply remove them from the water with a strainer. 

We fried the cooked gnocchi to give them a crispier texture, which you can do too! 

For the sauce, cook white onion and garlic in olive oil until glossy. Add a 28oz can of crushed tomato's. Once bubbling, add chopped basil and simmer. Add salt, pepper, and oregano to taste! 

Realistic Expectations For Body After Baby

The second after I shot my daughter out of my lady part, I hopped in the shower to wash off any and all fluids that had covered my body. I noticed my stomach immediately. 

It was a flabby sack of skin, and there wasn't any sign of stomach muscle that once existed. The dark, happy trail line seemed darker, and I was already uncomfortable with my body. 

Everyone will tell you, "you just did the hardest job on earth and your body went through 10 months of stretching and growing", but only you believe what you think about yourself. 

I'm here to tell you, be realistic

Yes, there are moms out there that come out of the hospital weighing the same weight that they did when they found out they were pregnant. There are moms who have abs the entire way through, and seem like they look better afterwards. 

Unfortunately, if you're like me, you gained 40 pounds during pregnancy, and only lost 15 when it was over. 

I consistently weighed in at 115 for about 5 years. I ate kinda healthy, and was active in the sense of actively going out with friends. During pregnancy, it went downhill real fast. For the first trimester, I lost weight because I either threw up at the smell of food or threw it up after I ate it. Then, when I started wanting food again, I ATE EVERYTHING. I had the chubby, swollen face that you pray you don't have, and the pounds added up as each week passed. 

After I weighed in at 140 pounds post-pregnancy, I knew I was going to have to work and work hard. I tried a little too soon though, and decided it was a GREAT idea to run before the 6 week mark. My lady business was not happy, and I had to wait even longer to get back in the swing of things. 

Once I was confident that all of my insides would stay inside if I did anything active, I started working out. Even if it was a short, one mile run, a quick work out at home, or yoga, I was making sure I did something at least once a week. 

We started eating vegan in January, and that helped a TON. Without working out as much as I should, I was able to go down to 105 which is a weight that I haven't been since high school. I started running again, and doing a 20 minute work out at home during Lenni's naps. 

If you keep scrolling down, you're going to see me in a sports bra and shorts, so....don't get too excited. 

 

Moms, this took me over a year to even feel confident enough to take a picture. I am definitely not where I want to be yet, but I'm getting there because I am WORKING MY ASS OFF. I still want to be stronger, and not look like I don't eat. I'm still working, still trying, still wanting to look better. I will not stop, and will continue on my journey of eating healthy and being active. Keep going, and don't give up! You can have the body you want if you work for it.

Grab that stroller and get walkin'. 

Ten Coffee Shops You Have To Visit In Colorado

If you're visiting my home state, you have to know where to go without having to read through all of the YELP reviews. Here is my one stop shop for where to find my top 10 cup o' Joe's in Colorado: 

First stop is my favorite because it's where I work. 

Two Rivers Coffee in Arvada, CO. My husband roasts and I sling spro on the weekends. We serve killer coffee and my favorite breakfast burrito as well as pastries that are made in house! 

Latte Art

Amethyst Coffee Company in Denver is owned by a dear friend, Elle Taylor(soon to be Jensen). They rotate what they serve, but it always excels craft and you can never have a bad coffee. They also have booze later in the afternoon into the evening! 

Black Eye Coffee has two locations in Denver, and I'm very partial to their coffee because my husbands roasts for them as well :) The shops are completely different in the best way, so I encourage you to visit both! 

Black Black Coffee in the Taxi district not only has a unique location, but an incredibly modern feel. The Taxi district is comprised of businesses, apartments, and even a resident-only raised pool, which gives it it's unique experience. They also have a kitchen where they make pastries and food in house. 

Black Black Coffee

Port Side is extremely close to Coors Field and is also next door neighbors to TOPO Designs which is one of my favorite local companies. They serve coffee from Huckleberry Roasters and they win the prize for my favorite Avocado Toast in Colorado(so far). 

Building Three Coffee Roasters is located in Colorado Springs in an old school house. The design is a healthy balance between a place for business and relaxation. The coffee is roasted just across the hallway, and they do a fantastic job. 

Building Three Coffee

Loyal Coffee is also in Colorado Springs and was started by some of the best f**kers I know. I had the opportunity to work with Eric, Tyler, Bevan, Chris and Seth at the Principal's Office before they went on to start Loyal. It's definitely an amazing place and you have to try it! 

Loyal Coffee

If you find yourself driving through the pass coming in from the West to Denver, you have to stop in Eagle, CO to visit Color Coffee Roasters. My husband and I had the pleasure of visiting this shop on a little weekend getaway, and I didn't want to leave. 

If you're on your way south from Denver to the Springs, pull off on Santa Fe road and stop by Session Coffee. They also rotate roasters, and have the coolest set up in a perfect area. They really take pride in their work, and I haven't had a bad cup of coffee. 

Last but definitely not least, Sweet Bloom Coffee. Sweet Bloom is recognized world-wide for it's presence in the Specialty Coffee Association competitions as well as nationally for their piece in Barista Magazine(and because they're damn good). They're located in Lakewood, CO, but their coffee is served all over the state!