Ladies, let me be real here. I'm writing this while my baby is sucking my boob, cause let's be honest...who has time to actually sit down and blog?
I decided to document a few stories specifically relating to poop because that's my life. Eat, poop, sleep, poop, pooping while eating, sneezing so hard you poop, etc. And no, I'm not just talking about me.
Miss Lenora Wesley was born on March 29th at 8:19am at home in my bed. No, it wasn't weird. No I don't have any special voodoo attachment to my mattress now, just to clarify in case you were wondering.
Now back to the poop.
About a half-hour after she was born, my midwife told me to keep an eye out for her first poo which would be sticky and tar-like. She opened the towel to weigh her a few seconds after she said that, and both Lenora and I were completely COVERED in the tar-poo. I should've known this would be the beginning of my babies' poo diary.
About two weeks later, I decided I wanted to brave the world by taking Lenni to my favorite coffee shop. I packed the first diaper bag(which you all know is not complete with all necessities),put her in the car seat for the first time and we were off!
I pulled up to the shop just in time for her to be hungry, so I whipped out the boob and fed her. When she was done, I decided to try and put her in my maya wrap that I had never used before(brilliant). She sort of fit by the time my caffeine craving started erupting, and we entered the cafe. I ordered my delicious espresso beverage and sat down to enjoy it. I took Lenni out of the sling, and laid her on my thighs while I sipped away.
Then, I heard it. That juicy shart.
Then I smelled it.
Then I felt it.
I lifted her little body up looking down at my shit-covered romper, turned her over to see the poop all over her white onesie, and realized I was in for the longest 5 minutes of my life.
I quickly grabbed the diaper bag while holding her with the other arm that was now covered in the oozing butt juice. I went into the bathroom realizing I had forgotten the changing pad. I laid her back on my thighs while I sat on the cement, bathroom floor. As I began taking the stained clothes off, I slid the poop all the way up her back soaking into her hair. I grabbed wipes and frantically began wiping my clothes as well as her entire backside. There were no paper towels, so I started wrapping the dirty wipes in another clean diaper. I finally had her wiped down and in a new diaper, realizing I didn't have a new outfit for her... So, I grabbed my nursing cover and swaddled her in it like the professional first-time-mom that I am.
Grabbing my child, I tried to stick her in the sling again, getting her tiny little naked body stuck while holding onto the diaper bag. I rushed out of there faster than a girl on a date-gone-wrong, calling my husband and bursting into tears.
Since that day, we have had so many blowouts I've lost count. The latest and greatest happened one morning on my white sheets while bouncing her around on my legs. Another one happened on the couch while nursing and I caught the pool of poop as it seeped out of her crack.
I've become an expert of Shout! spray and laundry, as well as a clothes-changing ninja. I've learned the art of bringing a change of clothes for baby and mommy as well as a ziploc bag to carry the newly stained outfits.
So, here's to all the moms who have embraced the eternal wet feeling from being covered in fluids from your precious little one. Here's to the moms who have mastered the art of the perfectly packed diaper bag. Here's to all the moms who have learned to just say "F" it, and laugh. Take a breath, have a beer, and buy a bottle of Shout!